I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
