Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
