I swear she didn't look like that last week.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
