I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
