In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
