I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
