Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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