I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
