nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Verdict: uncircumcised.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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