I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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