Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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