and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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