how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
