Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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