I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
