So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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