my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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