if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
