If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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