her vagine was all disorganized.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize