life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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