my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
