Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize