yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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