well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I think weed is turning my hair brown
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
