Small penises have feelings too.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
