i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
i need some magic done to my vagina
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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