Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
