Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
