So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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