Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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