I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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