My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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