i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
