Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize