Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize