Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
