I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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