Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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