i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I love you. Go after that dick
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
