They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
