my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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