There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
