The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
