Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
