your thong is hanging out like whoa
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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