You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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