why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
