...so i touched it.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
