Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
