Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
