Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
