maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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