so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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