I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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