Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize