just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
