Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
