I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
