Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
