i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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