I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
