Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Where did you get a picture of my penis
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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