I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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