theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
