just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
