i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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