we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
