My underwear smells like fireworks.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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