I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
