i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
