I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
