Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
