East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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