If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
